Confetti snow storm

Its new years eve tonight. A party here, a party there. Dick Clark's weathered face still on the TV after all these years. I ll tell you something, there is a reason he can't go south for the winter, he's got so much plastic in his face that it'd melt right off his cheeks if it got to hot for him.

All the girls dolled up in the black dresses and high heels. The boys in the back with the glasses of vodka and dirty jokes. Every one telling stories about this and that. The moments from the year they liked the best. Leaving out all the good juicy parts. Please check your honesty at the door.

I sip on wine, debating on making the inevitable switch to the brandy. Crowd surfing my way to the end of the year stage. A few hi how are yous and so good to see yous here and a few you look so goods there. Dancing my way through the mingling circus of all this nonsense.

I tell my stories about this adventure, those one times, the can you believe she did thats, and the remember that one songs. All of them great and wonderful. Memories i'll take to next year and the years after the next for certain. But, like I said, check your honesty at the door my good man. The best stories are the ones that go by a different title:Secrets. Those my friend, are the ones people pay to hear. people die to hear.

And I have the most beautiful secret of all.

So I lie. I tell every soul I had a good year. No complaints, no worries. I dove in head first this year and came out squeaky clean on the other side. But, if I told them the true story, They'd hear about the greatest year of my life. A year of dreams and music and paint. Of pictures, adventures, stories, and words spoken softly in a parking lot on a summer night.

But secrets are just exactly what they are. Something special and something not to be spoken of.

The count down. 10. it starts. 9. the ball falling. 8. everyone shouting. 7. smiles all around. 6. glasses raised. 5. all eyes focused. 4. grab your parters. 3. you can almost taste it. 2. goodbye this year. 1. hello next year.

And its over. A split second. a rush of emotion and sound, then its done. I shake hands and kiss cheeks. I watch the TV and see good old Mr. Clark. I m by myself and so is he. Just two big fakers alone in a crowd of millions. So here is to you Dick, may you melt some day and be peaceful.

As for me. I''ll wait till everyone is gone and then tell my secrets out loud to this new year. Cause the dates changed, but I still feel the same. Your 1600 miles away and I wish I was there not here. A new years kiss from you to me. Maybe then, this new year would have a beautiful start to it instead of this left over mess. I m unsure what is going to happen to me this year, just like everyone else. But I am sure of at least one thing: Palm tree wishes and sunshine dancing beats the hell out of the ice outside my door. The ice inside my chest.

Here is to the new year, to dreams realized. To more stories, and most of all, more secrets of the best kind. :)

The restless king

I count the hours as they go by. How long have be up now? 4? 5 hours strong? My complete inability to fall asleep is slowly becoming the one thing I can count on. I'd kill for a nightmare right now. I'd sell my soul for a bad dream. Even sleep walking would do. Hell, I'd walk a mile in my sleep if it meant I got some rest out of it. From my pillow I watch the headlights pass outside. The third shifters out on release. From my red IKEA king size fitted sheets I pass judgment on my old clothes strewn across my floor. I curse them for not being good company tonight. Never very talkative that lot.

Snap out of it you poor bastard. I catch myself falling to delirium. Your losing it old boy. This is the last thing I need. I dont need to become any more crazy than I already am.

There is no cure for me. No quick fix. No remedy I can take. For the time being, I am the restless king of nothing. I hold a dreamless court inside my head.

Then Suddenly, it happens. That all too familiar sound returns. My alarm clock. To the sound of a bomb going off, I rise to meet the morning. Of coarse I was here first. I always am.

It's gonna be a long day, but as of late, they always are.

Projecting

I am so busted up inside over this business. These past weeks have been so abysmal. Between being lonely and drinking too much, I find myself at a loss. How did it get so bad? so far along?

With depression, you can find the shit in most any situation. How unpretty a picture you take is. How stupid another person opinion is, even when you know they are right. How dumb all your things are.

In most cases, my black heart has weathered any storm. Not this time though. I m got hurt. Pretty bad. Something I never thought would never happen. But for certainly did. I debate on how I'll get through this.

Letting her go is going to break me a very long time. Insert sad song here. Export my feelings to anywhere but here. Eject me to someplace where I can get along.

This is killing me slowly and its all my fault

she was a wreck but so was he

In this day in age, with connectivity and never being unplugged, I wonder how people would react to being disconnected. No mobile updates, no emails, or photo comments. No texts, none of these things. Maybe, just maybe, if we took the time to see who is in front of us instead of whose on our phone, we'd see the beauty in everything. Lets turn off the phone for the night. Enjoy the person your spending the night with. No distractions from the outside world. Focus on her eyes, on her lips, on the way she breathes. Maybe if we disconnect together; maybe, just maybe, our generation could find love again.

In the time of hook-ups and one night stands, how often have you seen the wrong people getting together for all the wrong reasons? Say it with me and out loud: Too Fucking Many.

So call me crazy or idiotic. But next time, take a chance, take a step back and think. Where is this drunk text gonna get me? This obscene phone call? This awkward knock on the door at 3 A.M.?

I'm tired of it. So I'll disconnect for now and talk to this sweetheart next to me. This woman who thinks I'm decent enough to have her for a few hours. Unplugged and honest, if only this once. I'll know I was real with this person. And that's more than most of us can say as of late. Taking it all in, the way she laughs at my silly jokes. Her warm smile and her honest way of mocking my style. Disconnected, I take in the way her body looks when it's bathed in this candle light. Her naked frame a work of art. Everything in this moment, from the music to the lights to most certainly her, it's all exquisite and beautiful. From her naked ankles to her nose and cheek bones, I get lost.

I am Lost now.

As for the rest? Well the rest is mine and her's. Away from prying eyes and words. Another time maybe my trusted perverts :) This one, I keep for myself. It's so easy to be cheap. It's rightchous to be true.

For kids our age, or kids for any age for that matter, Love is like a secret. Anything spoken louder than a whisper and you ll lose it. Gone forever and your lost in nonsense. So I whisper for now, quite and unplugged. Content and happy, cause in all honesty, maybe all you need is a whisper.

Your lips touching mine in the photobooth

Softer her laugh, the color of summer. Brighter her smile, the warmth of the sun. I'm inside out, she puts me back together.

Conversations and discussions between the two of us. Tangled up in the airwaves of a phone call. Miles between the beds they lay in is only physical separation. This distance is a killer. So close you can hear her breathing even though she's far away. A cruel tease to be certain. The confessions told to one another are the most honest he's ever been. Trying to hold back feelings to make things less difficult has become like lying. All he wants is to tell her the things he wants her to know.

He wants her to know that he is a better man when she's around. In the dark, when it's cold, she keeps him warm. And the world is that much more brighter because she's in it.

Hold. Fast. Hope.

If I was asked which band has changed my life the most, I think most everyone would say thats obvious dude, its weezer.

they'd be wrong.

Weezer is my all time favorite. Those boys have gotten me through some tough spots and always cheer me up cause they are a bunch of silly nerds who like to have fun like me.

However, Thrice would be the correct answer to that question. No other band has influenced me like them. Putting into words how much this band and their music makes me feel is damn near impossible. Every single song speaks to me on a cellular level, a piece of my soul in every riff and beat. I remember hearing identity crisis for the first time when I was a freshman in high school, and I was hooked. The artist in the ambulance, Vheissu, The alchemy index, and beggers, each and every record different in its own way. Choosing one to say its the best can't be done. Vheissu though, is one of the greatest works of art in human history. The things going on on that CD blow my mind. Its one of the few CDs I can listen to once, play it again and again and again. I m pretty sure that I listened to it at work a totally of 5 times one day. Its so beautiful and powerful, the last track red sky brings me to tears almost every time i hear it. Saying that out loud makes me feel like a sap but its true. Actually, Red sky and Silver wings make me cry when I hear them, just out of the sheer beauty of the sound. No other band or song has done that to me. No other band has made me feel, like really feel something with the music they play. It moves me so much.

The tattoo I have planned for them is probably to most important one I ll have for a long time. Sure, I m gonna get more tattoos, but none as important as that, and maybe after. The only other ones that will be more so will probably my kids names when I have them. The song melting point of wax is pretty much how my view on life is. "But how will i know limits from lies if i never try?" The song is about Icarus and how he flew to close to the sun. "I will touch the sun or I will die trying." There it is, all in one line, how I live. Going threw life, living it to the fullest and trying my hardest and best. Like I said, I can't explain how this makes me feel. I finally figured out how I want to have it done, and once its done, part of me will finally feel complete.

I have so much emotion for this post I m not sure how I want to end it. so i ll let the words that speak to me do the job. "will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through? I will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do."

Everything I do in between is just filler.

Do we judge a man by his success? Or should we look at how he failed? Human history has showed that when a person is pushed to their breaking point or thrown into a situation that demands a tough choice, extraordinary things will happen. The endings to these moments aren't always the ones we'd like though. Oh low! how many times have we felt like giving up? Say out load that "your done!" So through with everything that you barley muster the strength to shudder.

In that instance, when we fail, thats where it should be seen how a person stands. The world has just come down around you, and you have to find a way to pick yourself up again. That, my friends, is success. Do we stay defeated and just let what happens have the last word? I could never let things be that way.

So here I stand. Not in failure nor success. On the scale of my personal achievements, I v had plenty of both to go around for certain. I v always been so sure about the things I believe and want for what seems like forever. Lately though, I v only been sure of one thing

I am certainly certain that I m certainly in love. So much so that when she ain't around I m quite miserable. I gauge time between the last time I was with her to the next time, everything I do in between is just filler. Never have I ever been so nose over tail for someone. It seems strange, to be so cold and alone for so long and suddenly to feel alive, a feeling I could totally get used to.

But I know one day, who knows when, she ll be gone away. I just know it. I m certainly certain that feeling of a hole in my chest will return. Will it be failure? Who's to say. All I know is that picking myself up after that one is gonna be hard. I m sure I will be able to. I just wish It didn't have to be that way. any other way but that way.

How will I be measured? Well that story hasn't been written yet. Succeed or Fail, this is the time of my life.

scatter brain

i v had my fair share of rotten things happen to me over the coarse of the past 24 years. naming them all would take up entirely too much of my time. each one a scar on my personality that will stay with me. an ugly, sad memory of an event that i d love to forget.

i suppose dwelling on them can bring me down. and i do dwell. but that's never stopped me from doing anything i said i would. all these negatives add up to one thing: experience. they aren't a crutch to lean on or a excuses to rely upon. where has feeling sorry for yourself ever gotten anyone besides in a worse spot then they were before?

you wont find the answer your looking for in the bottom of a pint glass, or in something you can sniff up your nose or stick in your arm.

i v always been a firm believer in action. why waste the time talking when you can be out there doing something to fix yourself? sure, this horrible thing happened to you, but how are you going to pick yourself up and deal with it? action!

don't get me wrong, i know this is hard if not impossible for some people. its understandable. there comes a point where you find out who you are when your dealing with loss or what have you. for me, the way i got through a lot was to say to myself "dude, you got a lot of people looking to you be strong." i don't ever want to let my friends or family down. So i keep picking up the pieces and doing my best to put them back together.

it goes without saying though that i don't have the power to help or save everyone. i m not superman, or batman even. i have trouble with me sometimes even. but all these things still have never changed the fact of I am still me. which i am proud of, there are days where i wanna curl up and wither away, but i don't. why would i do that? that's totally not fun at all.

i m not sure the point of this blog really, but i enjoyed typing it. I suppose that my love of life gets me through the shitty times. there's to much to see and people to share it with to be bummed over things you can't change. death is forever, sure, but we are still here.

lets make the most of it and have the best time we can. ever. period.

There are places on Earth were the people have never seen their breath. Places where they've never swam in ocean. Places where they've seen a snow flake. The universe is full of constance, and the one constant is that there will always be something new to see and experience. Watching the sun set from a beach in Rio. Watching a sun rise from a rooftop in Vegas. Dancing all night in Mexico City. Drinking coffee in a cafe in Prague. Going to a show in London's theater district. I feel like exploring. Like Columbus or Hudson. Take the time to experience as much as I can. I want to feel real. To tell them that I met a stranger in Berlin and talked over drinks. I want to make love in Rome. I want to make love everywhere for that matter. I d like to experience that. I want to feel alive. I want to be everywhere all the time.

Can I talk about sex again? just for a moment. I think about what it would be like to get with her. Oh what things we would do. That heat of the moment kind of sex where everywhere will do. Couch, bed, floor, walls, then back to the floor and back to bed. Crazy Passion. totally sweaty and completely exhausted. It would go on for hours if she would be up for it. Then to just lay there at the end. Out of breath and too weak to even speak. We wouldn't need words though, that story has been told already. What I wouldn't do to make that kind of love. I want to feel alive. I wanna be real. I'm certain that I could live 10 lifetimes in that single moment.

until then, I'll sit and write my stories. I 'll be real. I m alive.

nothing but my good intentions

Forever full of these one liners. These hand me downs you can use only if credit is given. So much to say, to who and what the stricken arise. say goodbye. My mind a shamble of sound and pictures, ambient noise and color that I can't make sense of. Some how the process of producing words finds time to get the job done. A surprise to me every time. As fast as my mind goes I only wish it would slow down. Just once while I sleep, instead of a mile a minute, a turtles pace would be paradise only for a moment. "You think too much." she told me. I strive to be different. Shut your mouth my good man! then things might be different! I would settle for a mile an hour at this point. Anything. Anything to keep her around. Let me touch, hold, hang on for just a few extra seconds. And all at once, there it is. The storm in my mind dies. Silence. Calm. A single kiss and paradise achieved. Basic functions continue please:continue pumping blood, remember to breathe. You wanted these extra seconds my boy, a shame it would be to a drop dead now. Here it is, what you ve been looking for, what you ve been waiting for. Someone to calm you down. To say those words you long to hear, and stop the world from spinning. Eyes closed. Pictures and noise gone. Focused on this amazing woman. After this kiss breaks, I realized that I have found it. What they Talk about, in myths, in stories. But here she is, you found her. If every single emotion pertaining to the word happiness were balled up into one object and put in a container. That container would be me. Strange how it feels like exploding, I wouldn't be surprised if I did. My mind stays quite. For once, nothing else matters but this wonderful person in front of me.

What a wonderful place this would be if you were here. What a wonderful life to live if you were here with me.

"to dream a little dream" :)

Cut me deep and you will see, everythings not what it seems.

Dear Everafter,

I'm sorry I won't be there anytime soon. I'v got too much to see and do before I get to you.

All debts paid and all bets are off.

"are you gonna live your life wondering, standing in the back? looking around?"

"Night Life" the start of a short story.

You wake. Your eyes flash open and your on Paul's couch or In Dave's bathroom or Your on the bar someplace downtown or even on Some strangers kitchen floor that your never been on before, also your pretty certain you ve been kidnapped and left here. These things will happen.

They always tell you to stay out of trouble. Seems like i m always IN trouble. At least I'm consistent....

You wake. You turn your head and Jill's naked next to you. or Rachel. or Mary. or youdefinitelydidntgethernamelastnight. These things will happen.

I live the Night life. from the hours of sundown to sun up, I am King. Free reign to do what I please, when I please, when it needs please. Know in all the hangouts, Friend to many a bouncer, closer to the female bartender then the owner would like. Mine is a life full of bad decisions, poor choices, many excuses, and Great times. I have forgotten more celebrations than most people have gone to. Toasted to birthday parties, cheered retired police officers, drank with the rich and famous. I v had one to many. I m the life of the pregame, the real deal, and the after party. Party animal, wild man, drunk, boozer, Legend.

These things will happen.....

Here follows the life and times of Jonas Faust. From what he remembers at Least

nights like these.

its cold. i want to turn the heat on, but i wont because i layer. surrounding me in my living room are pictures of family. things forgotten mostly. to me, these pictures seem fake. who are these people? what happened here?

i m a complete stranger to my family. They drink to much, i know i do, but i realize that i don't like too they way they do. i don't like drugs, which i know they do. i don't eat the foods they eat. i don't watch sports like they do. i don't like much of anything they do.

i just can't relate. i can't talk about music to them because they don't listen. which bums out cause i love music so much. it d be to just sit and listen to some with my sister. my father could care less about anything so i won't even bother. i wear this face when i m with them. i m not sure which face it is but its not mine. its not me. i ll avoid contact with my father as much as possible.

listen to me ramble. i can't even form proper sentences over it. my mind just pours it out and i have to type it. it bugs me that much. i m all alone in this house, which i hate. but i hate it more when any of them are here.

i wonder what mom would think. i never got to know the woman. but i have a feeling we wouldn't have gotten a long that much. it d be nice to see though, how things would have turned out if she never got sick. whos to say anything would have changed.

so all i have are these pictures, a glass of wine and death cab for cutie. i think i ll pack the pictures and move this pity party to the bed.

i can't fix them. they wont change me. "people will always do what they want, and you can't ever change that fact. so why bother worrying about it." truth.

in other news:

i m still in love with this band.

Things missed

i miss your heart beat when you were close enough for me to feel it.

i miss holding on to you when your sleeping.

i miss you telling me how your day went before we tried to watch movies.

i miss being able to tease you about not being able to surf all the time.

i miss your spot on spanish accent.

i miss waking up and having you there

i miss listening to city and colour and the postal service with you when i would bring you home.

i miss jokes about vegan douchbags

i miss you falling asleep on the ride home.

i miss locking eyes for longer than just a moment.

i miss your kiss.

i miss talks about the beach and california dreams.

i miss your smile....

the more i type the more things i find that i miss about you.

but the one thing i miss most of all:

i miss you.

Period.

email written to sam and wes regarding the wedding

Friends and Family, we are here today to share with Wesley and Samantha a very important and special moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife."

then the reading by Anna

then yous guys will exchange vows. i ll say something like wesley and samantha will now exchange the vows they have written for each other.then you exchange the rings. thennnnn i say my closing thoughts.

"Before i get to say the line everyones waiting for, i have a few more sappy things to say. I ll make it quick and try not to cry. Samantha, we have been friends for forever. We ve practically grown up together. You ve always been the first person i call when i need to have a talk. There is no one I trust more and you are my dearest friend. When you Introduced me to Wes, I knew right away there was something special here. The more I got to know you Wes, the more it felt like i found a kindred spirt. A person it seemed like I d know for years but only just met. There's no one i feel more perfect for my best friend then you. You guys are perfect together. The world seems brighter because of your love for each other. So i suppose there is only one thing i can say."

By the power vested in me by the State of Massachusetts I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride

after you guys suck face i say. i present to you Mr. and Mrs. Wesley and Samantha Boncor.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? READY TO GET MARRIED. ps. i def teared up typing this.

may i be struck down

i see how people get when the get older. things become cheap and trivial.

may i be struck down if i become cheap and trivial.

blessed be my naive brain, but i don't see me becoming old in the way most people get old. i still want to sing my partner to sleep. i still want to go and pick apples in the fall. i want to read all the books i v never read. i want to skate till i m gray in mane. i ll swim in every ocean. i ll continue to listen to the dorky music i v always listened to. i ll make breakfast in bed till i m blue in the face.

may i be struck down if i live in any regrets.

may i never say:

"we did not do the things we wanted to do; we never did such things"

Deep down, It’s getting hard to breathe now. I'm reaching out to touch you, but i can feel at all.

i live life street light to street light. 100 feet at the speed of light. taking this tar where i wanna go. my rubber tires harmonize. my engine screams and rolls.

nights like these are familiar. i v been here once or twice before. summer spent on the mass pike. paradise in transit. my tan more moon light than sun soak.

the soft sounds of a sleeper next to me. shotgun is out for the night. i turn the radio down as to not disturb.

memories now. not the present, but a past visit to paradise i wont get back.

driving now, the moon is cold. the night is brisk. the road is dark. i fight the urge to dream. no need to dream these days. the dreams keep you awake.

i lane change to the future. do i take the exit close to home? or do i take the longer drive back home?

"And now the road is empty.

As every promise is.
If life is pointless then point taken, say amen.
So light another candle and point my body out to sea,
Because your heart is no place for a wretch like me.

Another stranger passing.
A common dissonance.
If life is pointless then point taken, say amen.
So light another candle and point my body out to sea,
Because your side is no place for a wretch like me.

When they unearth these passages,
Will I appear to be proud?
Not if you're listening close enough.
Not if you're sounding it out"

everything else i should be doing

i feel sick. for the first time in a long time i feel like i m getting sick. my throat is scratched. my stomach is uneasy queasy. if i were running, i d be running this fever. my muscles ache and scream. my eyes are heavy and my skin is void of pink.

instead of laying in bed and nursing myself to 110%, i m awake. i m working out. i m doing pull ups and downs. crunches and inclines.

i cough and weez(er). this sweat tells me that the fevers on again. take it easy son, lay it up just this once, your not that young man anymore.

never one to listen to reason.

new goals for the winter, wont slack. get threw the first frost to the spring thaw on top. if i put on 8 lbs of muscles i ll be where i want to be for spring. if i fill myself out and rid myself of all this excess horror, i might actually, for once, be pleased with my outward appearance.

don't let the sickness spread, get it out of my head. I ll be who i want to be before long.

i will do everything i say.

i have a million things to say to you, but you still take my breath away with everything you do. if i had it my way, all i d ask for my birthday and christmas and new years and kwanzaa and the british bank holiday and the mexican revolution would be You.

i ll be 24. i feel 17.

i guess i ll never completely grow up. and i m completely fine with that. Where's it gonna get you acting serious?

Who will keep me from lashing out?

Lately I have been going for late night bike rides. Going on a month now, I can't sleep properly. Clear my head. need to get things straight. Gone for hours at a time. I m not sleeping, might as well be doing something somewhere.

The new bridge in Westfield is lit up like a Christmas tree. So many new lights. Its strange how you can be around one area for your entire life and then suddenly, with the addition of something new and foreign, that place becomes alien. Like you ve never been there before. I find myself there most nights. Looking at the construction of progress building our future right before my eyes. Across from me, I see the old Green Bridge. Not so green, more rust and bird shit than anything. No Lights for you old one, pitch black and forgotten. You ll be gone Before winter. Another strange void of the unfamiliar left in your place. I wonder how long it will before this place becomes unrecognizable to me. A stranger in my own home town.

I should have brought my camera. I should be in bed sleeping. I should be a lot of places. I should be anywhere but on my bike in the middle of the god damn night looking at decrepit bridges.

I make my way back home. Things no more clear then when I left hours ago. Lock the bike up. Lock the door. shower and shave. teeth brushed, toe nails cut. Make your way to bed young man, sleep will rescue you. All I need is a few hours. Just 2 or 3 to make it through. But we know that won't happen. See the bed is empty. Not shared. A bed made for a King, but used by lonely lush.

I could hitchhike my way to a few different beds. all shared by different Queens. Find comfort for the night. Have my way and that would be the end. Cheap and unfair. Goodbye and Goodnight, tuck the Queen in and I m out the door. I m not sure if i feel sick, or If I just feel myself dying a little on the inside.

Makes me wonder what I am capable of. Could I be a King? or just be the Monster I think I m becoming. Ever since things changed, and my Queen moved back to her King, the stars don't shine so bright. The Sun seems a tad bit cooler. And I can't Sleep proper at night.

I wish I knew how to fix myself.

"believe that you are just fine. believe that you are."

words from summer.

"I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all"

"if its not to late for coffee, i ll be at your place in 10."

"Please know that i m yours to keep, my beautiful girl."

"I'll be who i want to be. so think of what you want of me."

"our hands they seek the end of afternoon. My hands believe and move over you."

"And I just know that she warms my heart And knows what all my imperfections are

And she says that I am the brightest little firefly in her jar."

"and when i see you, i really see you upside down."

"it's what we know we arent, that makes us who we are."

"Theres a lot of pretty girls here lookin tight, but they re not good girls, but they re good for tonight."

"just another sweep and it'll be fine, but this carpet's got hills and i, can't see this helping at all."

"I want a big house that sits by the shore,And when I wake up I can watch the tide rise."

i could go on and on. my head is filled with words that i said and was told. i play those moments over in a black and white flashback. the only one that mattered was only 4 letters long. things might not have worked out. but i will never regret a moment or action from this summer.

in time. all good things in time.

"You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed
Like brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be"

dark where those moments on thoughts of the future. what men and monsters wait for me tomorrow? its enough to keep a boy in bed for days. enough to drive in search of strong drink. dwelling on such things, are not what is needed.

the frightening truth of the matter is that i am making a huge drastic change to my life. going far away from everything i know and love. i am scared. but, secretly loving the fear. that uncertain rush, the not knowing, the blind leap into the salty sea of dreams.

its enough to get me. and thats really all i need.

thats enough, it could be all i need.

every thought a Thought of You

i need distraction. at work, i come up with names for bands i ll never be in and music i ll never play.

metal band:Face rape. album:Cobra Commander is our bitch

hardcore band:4 little words. Album:we ve been to the moon, and it sucked

hip hop group: Day Nuh Fresh and the Futures. Album:The Life and Times of Dr. D

Indie Band: theupsanddowns. Album:Caged Rainbows.

my mind should be on the job. on my plans. but it isn't. where do you think it is?

not saying how i feel. it feels like lying to her. and myself. a promise made though, be better. don't, just don't say it. change the subject. can't look at her that way, can't.

distract me from telling her: how cute she is, how she makes me laugh, how i hate to see her depressed, a thousand things to say.

i wish i didnt need a distraction for her. when i wake up, when i go to work, when i go to sleep, when i dream.

what's a boy to do?

Beggars

"My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don’t belong here, I’ll never
Call this place my home, I’m just passing through"

-Thrice

profound once again. i m taking the steps. making my moves. I don't belong here. I ll never call this place home. I wont go quietly into the good night this time, oh no not this time. I ll speak truths and I m following through.

I am not fake. I am true. I am Honest. I am ever unafraid. I am the Inspired.

I am all these things, but the one thing I wish I wasn't, I wish I wasn't all alone.

te amo

i said it. unequivocally. honest. true.

i meant it. the second time ever i have meant it.

those 4 little letters placed in a certain order to form the word. so difficult to say, maybe the hardest word to say.

but i said it.........

and it was amazing.

in other news: now that my dad moved home. might be moving that much sooner now. i wish it wasn't by myself.

i v got big, big, plans.

2,3,4:

driving home last night in her car. i m driving, she's asleep riding shotgun. my button down shirt used as a blanket. my hand on her thigh trying to keep her warm. outside its bumper to bumper traffic at 1:30 in the morning. the mix CD i made her plays over and over. i know every word to every song i put on that CD. i sing softly, trying not to wake her. she stirs every so often.

i m inside my mind again. thinking. always thinking. sometimes wishing i would think less and just say what i mean. but i m too nervous. all confidence gone because of the situation. she's scared of losing what she has. i can't blame her. i would be to if it were me. the whole world she's know for all these years would suddenly be gone. there would be pain. hurt like no one could believe i m sure. i m scared for her to be honest.

she wakes up for a moment and grabs my hand. we exchange a warm smile and we lock eyes for longer than a moment. i pull away first, don't want to crash into the man from florida in front of us. i don't want to pull away. i never do. i look back to her and she's fast asleep again.

I run through my thoughts again. you've told this girl things you've never told a soul. man this is crazy. they say sometimes you just know. you know, like know that this person is special. more than special really. I think of how she makes me laugh. she could say anything to me and i would listen with all attention. I think of how she holds my finger or my hand when we drive. or how she tells me secrets she doesn't want people to know. nothing to serious really, but to her it is, so i keep my lips sealed.

sealed until we kiss that is. i know i v never felt before until the first time we kissed. everything i d ever done up until that moment was just to get me there. and each time after that first, well, each time after its better then the first.

almost back home now. i glance over, my hand returned to her thigh, still asleep. a conversation we had earlier about a spanish word and its english 4 lettered counter part comes to mind. i v only ever said that word once and ment it. i came so close to saying this night it kinda scared me. always thinking. to much.

i wish i could keep driving. take her far away to where she wants to go. anywhere. i want to take care of her whens she sick. i want to cook her breakfast in bed. i want to rub her back after a long day at work. i want to take her close off and kiss her neck, caress her legs. i want to wake up next to her. that would be living.

home now. we share a goodbye kiss. soft but passionate. i hate leaving her. unsure as to when i get to see her again. i m driving my car now. that familiar road home in front of me. her mix CD that she made me playing. my button down has her smell all over it. i don't think i ll wash it right away. in my bed, i hope i dream tonight.

i could give her the world if she would let me. but i understand why she can't. so, just like weezer says, only in dreams. only in dreams.

written at work between the hours of 7 and 8 AM

I wear the same shirt as yesterday with the hopes that enough of her still clings to it. An all to brief reminder of the night before. I slept infrequent. I'm half asleep as I write all this down. Last night felt familiar. Comfortable. Sleeping close. Loosing Feeling in my arm. Doctor we might have to amputate. That's fine, anything to be close. At work I make playlists full of silly, sappy songs. "You need him, I could be him, I could be an accident but I'm still trying and thats more than I can say for him." Strange how every song you hear reminds you of the person you want to be with the most. "Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. Maybe he won't find out what I know, you were the last good thing about this part of town." I try not to think about things while I'm working. I'm always distracted. Between real dreams and the day ones. Always distracting me. Whoops, definitely almost dumped 20 thousand dollars worth of product on the floor. "wheres your head man?" Not here thats for sure. Living in the day dream of last night.

Sometimes I think of the Reality of the Situation. She isn't my girl. What are you doing dooood? Wheres your head man? Not here, thats for sure. There's tons of reasons to stop what we are doing. But all I need is one to keep this up. Imagine going through life knowing that you met someone so special and amazing but didn't take the chance to get to know her. I couldn't. I don't know what will happen. But I'll take the chance of heartbreak knowing I was close to something . Someone. I was oh so close. I think of all the things I could do if she was with me. I could do anything. I could do everything if she was with me. That, I for sure, believe.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself again. Always lost in my head. Forever it was just me. Now it's a shared space. Just between You and me.

in other news......

My skate skills are legit.

written june 7th 2008

this trip is coming to a close. all at once. all together. all very suddenly. you would think two weeks would be a long time. it has and hasn't really. on the one hand, there were the parts that were damaging. the long drives and and endless roads where both garbage and beautiful. it gives you a lot of time to think. not so much time to your self, cause theres 4 other dudes in the van with you. but time alone enough with yourself to give serious time to whats been on your mind.

i v thought of a thousand things, and more then likely forgotten a thousand too. where i want my life to go. what i really want to do. where i d like to see myself in ten years. the things i take for granted. what i desire.

i think about what i would do if i were to fall in love with someone. i suppose everyone has that thought at one time or another in there life. what if someone were to come along and make you go: "wow, i really dont think i could spend another moment without them in my life." would she dance? would she sing? would she let me take her to all my favorite places to be? would she bring me around her friends? would she let me try and crack a few jokes while i try to impress her parents? would she let me be all that she needed?

i imagine what it would be like to kiss her soft pink lips.kiss her neck and Clavicle laying in bed a little to late in the mornings. what her naked ankles might look like. and the soft smell of her hair. i imagine that smile that would stop my heart, and those eyes that i would love to look into every morning.

turn it all in. just for her. i d like to think that. i d like to live that.

maybe maybe, someday. the road for now. home soon. miss you all

the world i know

i stare out my window every morning. to see if its all still there. the grass, the trees, that stupid road sign. making sure everything is where it should be. they havent moved on me yet. i stretch and give a long yawn. 5:30 AM. alls quite as usual. the house is empty. always empty. the lone sound i hear is the hum of the fridge. i unlock the back door and turn off the porch light and step outside. most of the time during the summer, the sun is just coming up over east mt. lately the rain has been making it darker than it should be. the road is void of traffic, which wont be true for very long. street lights dim. the lawn is fresh cut from the day before, fillin my lungs with the sweet sent of cut grass. nothing stirs. an errie feeling everytime. to early even for the animals. return to the house man, gonna be late. i stand in the threshold for most likely to long and think about how quite the house really is. my house. not really my house, my fathers house. but he doesnt stay here. moms gone and sister is starting her own family. i came back here to get my head straight almost a year and half ago. to see what i could salvage. but the longer i stay in this empty place, the emptier i feel. everything here is in disarray. everything abandoned. i keep promising myself to fix things around here, but i never do. its the sense that i dont belong in this place anymore. its not mine, it never was. like being homeless with a roof over your head. keep tellin yourself its the right decsion to stay, save up, think it threw. i move on to brush my teeth and shower. i lace up my old boots and i m out the door. faster than a speeding bullet. i turn and look. all windows dark. not a sound. not a smell. not anything. just abandoned.

its late now. changed the time but same story. PJs on, all lights off. i check my window before i m off to bed again. the worlds still out there. my world outside someone elses window. familiar things changed. the peacful and safe become suddenly terrifying. i lay here. thinking back to how it was. and how it wont ever be again. but thats ok. thats just part of how it all works. i slip off to sleep and think to myself: you ve been in this place far to long. where do i go from here? only time will tell. until then i dream, of the world outside my window.

December plans

layers. all thats left is layers. all thats there to use is layers. so sweet this frozen nighttime. i wait patiently for you to come. the company i keep is this cell phone and my breath and nothing else. lucky for me, that beard that you hate so much is keeping my face warm. The car is long sense left for dead. and here i sit, soft snow falling that breaks way to a few shots from the full moon above. this empty field is so familiar, yet its face changes with every season. where can you be? i think, honey its getting colder and your all i need to keep warm. is it late or is early? i v lost all track of time. trouble focusing on anything but this ice in the air. all's quite now. not a buzz not a chirp not a hum. the silence that winter brings makes you feel like your all alone, the only sound you hear is the breeze threw the dead trees. then all at once suddenly, your there. you move with purpose and speed. your scarf has come untucked and is flying almost free. the red of your nose tells me the walk was almost to long for you. i open my mouth to say something, but the words are stolen by the crisp december night. this is where i took you the first time we ever hung out. things were different then, such as the grass being green and the trees had leaves. you worked late tonight, we should be home with a bottle of wine and movie. but here we are. what a great idea she says mocking me. that smile. that did it. the cold no longer bothers me, this is where i need to be. i bring her in close and we share a kiss. the sky could fall that moment and the world could crash down around me, but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else then right here. right now. the red wine can wait. kiss once in the snow, i swear it never gets old.

Colored Pencil

This girl. can't write about her. would love to. Its not because I choose not to, or forced to not write. i just can not find the words to describe her. I get lost in the memories of the moments we shared. I could share with you how much her smile makes my heart beat faster. tell you that her laugh could warm the most coldest of rooms. That her soft skin is softer than a cloud must be. how her sweet smell envelops me when we are close, and that it lingers long after. These memories, they cloud my metaphors. all i really have at this point is my honesty. So in my most honest, tell you that, for sure, that i have never kissed a girl and ment it more then with her. with all certainty. This girl, to cool to be, to much to handle. aint that a metaphor for you.

truths?

i could tell you that i made it. i could tell you that its ok now. i could tell you that i flew to the moon. i could tell you i invented the wheel. i could tell you what you want to hear when you need to hear it. i could be, just be, all in all, all at once, all you need.
it d be a lie, but it be the best lie i ever told. the once, the all together big great white. worth the trouble and the fear hole-heartedly. i just hope your foolish enough to believe in this old fool.

there we are in the pictures, there we are in the black and white. here is that time and the one after that. remember that fight we had? us oh so-so sad. remember when i told you i needed you that bad?

i could tell you the truth and tell you how its gonna be, be with you and you with me. but you say shhhhh, i talk to much. that smile, that glow. and for once, i ll shut my big fat mouth. completely complete, honestly honest. your the one for me.

self centered if you think so

So i see her. Its been months. emotions stir. words run threw my brain. I wanna tell her i missed her, its good to see you, welcome home, so good, so long. but in all honesty i d rather you stayed away. I search for a positive statement to tell you, but it escapes me. its all negative, if you don't have something nice to say then you probably shouldn't have shown in the first place.

a few drinks later, my mood hasn't changed. but shes all over me. i feel sick. shes like some sloppy stranger that happened across this fool one to many times. if i could have a request mr DJ i d ask for you to play something slow, so i could sneak away. something distracting enough for me to run and be out of there before she even noticed. but i m stuck. just like always.

shes using all the familiar things she uses on me, and probably every other boy she does this to, all the way home. she rubs my thigh, messes my hair, tries to say sexy things but they just come off as a slippery mess cause shes so drunk.

i bring her in. i put her to bed. just like last time and the times before. "please stay. i m leaving again tomorrow. i need you here with me." my head hurts. my heart burns. "no, i m leaving now. your a mess. you ve always been a mess." if i stay i tell her, i ll do something i ll regret. i regret it every time we do. she begs and pleads. she doesn't understand. i tell her she never has. she ment the world to me. but the damage had been done to many times. i won't let it happen again. no i m not coming down to visit, no i won't be there for you, no i probably won't call you. you broke my heart to many times for me to forgive. she screams at me. you asshole. you piece of shit.

i get up to leave and turn at the door to see her with tears in her eyes. part of me knows i v destroyed her. she starts again and i tell her to stop. this isnt doing any good. i tell her to enjoy her life and be safe. i loved her once i tell her. that real love. but i have nothing for her now. this is the end.

good to see you, so long. so good. goodbye.

i leave into the cold night. soft snow falling. all that i leave her are my foot prints in her drive way. but those, like me now, will be gone when she gets up.

good to see you, so long. so good. goodbye.