i v got big, big, plans.

2,3,4:

driving home last night in her car. i m driving, she's asleep riding shotgun. my button down shirt used as a blanket. my hand on her thigh trying to keep her warm. outside its bumper to bumper traffic at 1:30 in the morning. the mix CD i made her plays over and over. i know every word to every song i put on that CD. i sing softly, trying not to wake her. she stirs every so often.

i m inside my mind again. thinking. always thinking. sometimes wishing i would think less and just say what i mean. but i m too nervous. all confidence gone because of the situation. she's scared of losing what she has. i can't blame her. i would be to if it were me. the whole world she's know for all these years would suddenly be gone. there would be pain. hurt like no one could believe i m sure. i m scared for her to be honest.

she wakes up for a moment and grabs my hand. we exchange a warm smile and we lock eyes for longer than a moment. i pull away first, don't want to crash into the man from florida in front of us. i don't want to pull away. i never do. i look back to her and she's fast asleep again.

I run through my thoughts again. you've told this girl things you've never told a soul. man this is crazy. they say sometimes you just know. you know, like know that this person is special. more than special really. I think of how she makes me laugh. she could say anything to me and i would listen with all attention. I think of how she holds my finger or my hand when we drive. or how she tells me secrets she doesn't want people to know. nothing to serious really, but to her it is, so i keep my lips sealed.

sealed until we kiss that is. i know i v never felt before until the first time we kissed. everything i d ever done up until that moment was just to get me there. and each time after that first, well, each time after its better then the first.

almost back home now. i glance over, my hand returned to her thigh, still asleep. a conversation we had earlier about a spanish word and its english 4 lettered counter part comes to mind. i v only ever said that word once and ment it. i came so close to saying this night it kinda scared me. always thinking. to much.

i wish i could keep driving. take her far away to where she wants to go. anywhere. i want to take care of her whens she sick. i want to cook her breakfast in bed. i want to rub her back after a long day at work. i want to take her close off and kiss her neck, caress her legs. i want to wake up next to her. that would be living.

home now. we share a goodbye kiss. soft but passionate. i hate leaving her. unsure as to when i get to see her again. i m driving my car now. that familiar road home in front of me. her mix CD that she made me playing. my button down has her smell all over it. i don't think i ll wash it right away. in my bed, i hope i dream tonight.

i could give her the world if she would let me. but i understand why she can't. so, just like weezer says, only in dreams. only in dreams.

written at work between the hours of 7 and 8 AM

I wear the same shirt as yesterday with the hopes that enough of her still clings to it. An all to brief reminder of the night before. I slept infrequent. I'm half asleep as I write all this down. Last night felt familiar. Comfortable. Sleeping close. Loosing Feeling in my arm. Doctor we might have to amputate. That's fine, anything to be close. At work I make playlists full of silly, sappy songs. "You need him, I could be him, I could be an accident but I'm still trying and thats more than I can say for him." Strange how every song you hear reminds you of the person you want to be with the most. "Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman. Maybe he won't find out what I know, you were the last good thing about this part of town." I try not to think about things while I'm working. I'm always distracted. Between real dreams and the day ones. Always distracting me. Whoops, definitely almost dumped 20 thousand dollars worth of product on the floor. "wheres your head man?" Not here thats for sure. Living in the day dream of last night.

Sometimes I think of the Reality of the Situation. She isn't my girl. What are you doing dooood? Wheres your head man? Not here, thats for sure. There's tons of reasons to stop what we are doing. But all I need is one to keep this up. Imagine going through life knowing that you met someone so special and amazing but didn't take the chance to get to know her. I couldn't. I don't know what will happen. But I'll take the chance of heartbreak knowing I was close to something . Someone. I was oh so close. I think of all the things I could do if she was with me. I could do anything. I could do everything if she was with me. That, I for sure, believe.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself again. Always lost in my head. Forever it was just me. Now it's a shared space. Just between You and me.

in other news......

My skate skills are legit.

written june 7th 2008

this trip is coming to a close. all at once. all together. all very suddenly. you would think two weeks would be a long time. it has and hasn't really. on the one hand, there were the parts that were damaging. the long drives and and endless roads where both garbage and beautiful. it gives you a lot of time to think. not so much time to your self, cause theres 4 other dudes in the van with you. but time alone enough with yourself to give serious time to whats been on your mind.

i v thought of a thousand things, and more then likely forgotten a thousand too. where i want my life to go. what i really want to do. where i d like to see myself in ten years. the things i take for granted. what i desire.

i think about what i would do if i were to fall in love with someone. i suppose everyone has that thought at one time or another in there life. what if someone were to come along and make you go: "wow, i really dont think i could spend another moment without them in my life." would she dance? would she sing? would she let me take her to all my favorite places to be? would she bring me around her friends? would she let me try and crack a few jokes while i try to impress her parents? would she let me be all that she needed?

i imagine what it would be like to kiss her soft pink lips.kiss her neck and Clavicle laying in bed a little to late in the mornings. what her naked ankles might look like. and the soft smell of her hair. i imagine that smile that would stop my heart, and those eyes that i would love to look into every morning.

turn it all in. just for her. i d like to think that. i d like to live that.

maybe maybe, someday. the road for now. home soon. miss you all

the world i know

i stare out my window every morning. to see if its all still there. the grass, the trees, that stupid road sign. making sure everything is where it should be. they havent moved on me yet. i stretch and give a long yawn. 5:30 AM. alls quite as usual. the house is empty. always empty. the lone sound i hear is the hum of the fridge. i unlock the back door and turn off the porch light and step outside. most of the time during the summer, the sun is just coming up over east mt. lately the rain has been making it darker than it should be. the road is void of traffic, which wont be true for very long. street lights dim. the lawn is fresh cut from the day before, fillin my lungs with the sweet sent of cut grass. nothing stirs. an errie feeling everytime. to early even for the animals. return to the house man, gonna be late. i stand in the threshold for most likely to long and think about how quite the house really is. my house. not really my house, my fathers house. but he doesnt stay here. moms gone and sister is starting her own family. i came back here to get my head straight almost a year and half ago. to see what i could salvage. but the longer i stay in this empty place, the emptier i feel. everything here is in disarray. everything abandoned. i keep promising myself to fix things around here, but i never do. its the sense that i dont belong in this place anymore. its not mine, it never was. like being homeless with a roof over your head. keep tellin yourself its the right decsion to stay, save up, think it threw. i move on to brush my teeth and shower. i lace up my old boots and i m out the door. faster than a speeding bullet. i turn and look. all windows dark. not a sound. not a smell. not anything. just abandoned.

its late now. changed the time but same story. PJs on, all lights off. i check my window before i m off to bed again. the worlds still out there. my world outside someone elses window. familiar things changed. the peacful and safe become suddenly terrifying. i lay here. thinking back to how it was. and how it wont ever be again. but thats ok. thats just part of how it all works. i slip off to sleep and think to myself: you ve been in this place far to long. where do i go from here? only time will tell. until then i dream, of the world outside my window.

December plans

layers. all thats left is layers. all thats there to use is layers. so sweet this frozen nighttime. i wait patiently for you to come. the company i keep is this cell phone and my breath and nothing else. lucky for me, that beard that you hate so much is keeping my face warm. The car is long sense left for dead. and here i sit, soft snow falling that breaks way to a few shots from the full moon above. this empty field is so familiar, yet its face changes with every season. where can you be? i think, honey its getting colder and your all i need to keep warm. is it late or is early? i v lost all track of time. trouble focusing on anything but this ice in the air. all's quite now. not a buzz not a chirp not a hum. the silence that winter brings makes you feel like your all alone, the only sound you hear is the breeze threw the dead trees. then all at once suddenly, your there. you move with purpose and speed. your scarf has come untucked and is flying almost free. the red of your nose tells me the walk was almost to long for you. i open my mouth to say something, but the words are stolen by the crisp december night. this is where i took you the first time we ever hung out. things were different then, such as the grass being green and the trees had leaves. you worked late tonight, we should be home with a bottle of wine and movie. but here we are. what a great idea she says mocking me. that smile. that did it. the cold no longer bothers me, this is where i need to be. i bring her in close and we share a kiss. the sky could fall that moment and the world could crash down around me, but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else then right here. right now. the red wine can wait. kiss once in the snow, i swear it never gets old.

Colored Pencil

This girl. can't write about her. would love to. Its not because I choose not to, or forced to not write. i just can not find the words to describe her. I get lost in the memories of the moments we shared. I could share with you how much her smile makes my heart beat faster. tell you that her laugh could warm the most coldest of rooms. That her soft skin is softer than a cloud must be. how her sweet smell envelops me when we are close, and that it lingers long after. These memories, they cloud my metaphors. all i really have at this point is my honesty. So in my most honest, tell you that, for sure, that i have never kissed a girl and ment it more then with her. with all certainty. This girl, to cool to be, to much to handle. aint that a metaphor for you.

truths?

i could tell you that i made it. i could tell you that its ok now. i could tell you that i flew to the moon. i could tell you i invented the wheel. i could tell you what you want to hear when you need to hear it. i could be, just be, all in all, all at once, all you need.
it d be a lie, but it be the best lie i ever told. the once, the all together big great white. worth the trouble and the fear hole-heartedly. i just hope your foolish enough to believe in this old fool.

there we are in the pictures, there we are in the black and white. here is that time and the one after that. remember that fight we had? us oh so-so sad. remember when i told you i needed you that bad?

i could tell you the truth and tell you how its gonna be, be with you and you with me. but you say shhhhh, i talk to much. that smile, that glow. and for once, i ll shut my big fat mouth. completely complete, honestly honest. your the one for me.

self centered if you think so

So i see her. Its been months. emotions stir. words run threw my brain. I wanna tell her i missed her, its good to see you, welcome home, so good, so long. but in all honesty i d rather you stayed away. I search for a positive statement to tell you, but it escapes me. its all negative, if you don't have something nice to say then you probably shouldn't have shown in the first place.

a few drinks later, my mood hasn't changed. but shes all over me. i feel sick. shes like some sloppy stranger that happened across this fool one to many times. if i could have a request mr DJ i d ask for you to play something slow, so i could sneak away. something distracting enough for me to run and be out of there before she even noticed. but i m stuck. just like always.

shes using all the familiar things she uses on me, and probably every other boy she does this to, all the way home. she rubs my thigh, messes my hair, tries to say sexy things but they just come off as a slippery mess cause shes so drunk.

i bring her in. i put her to bed. just like last time and the times before. "please stay. i m leaving again tomorrow. i need you here with me." my head hurts. my heart burns. "no, i m leaving now. your a mess. you ve always been a mess." if i stay i tell her, i ll do something i ll regret. i regret it every time we do. she begs and pleads. she doesn't understand. i tell her she never has. she ment the world to me. but the damage had been done to many times. i won't let it happen again. no i m not coming down to visit, no i won't be there for you, no i probably won't call you. you broke my heart to many times for me to forgive. she screams at me. you asshole. you piece of shit.

i get up to leave and turn at the door to see her with tears in her eyes. part of me knows i v destroyed her. she starts again and i tell her to stop. this isnt doing any good. i tell her to enjoy her life and be safe. i loved her once i tell her. that real love. but i have nothing for her now. this is the end.

good to see you, so long. so good. goodbye.

i leave into the cold night. soft snow falling. all that i leave her are my foot prints in her drive way. but those, like me now, will be gone when she gets up.

good to see you, so long. so good. goodbye.