This Park

Here I am at the park. This park I played soccer in. This park I played frisbee in. This park I rode my bike through. This park I ran through. This park I talked to ducks and swans to get cheap laughs.

Here I am at the park. This park I used drink drinks of the alcoholic varity in. This park i used to sneak into after closing time. This park me and the boys would scope out the pretty college girls in.

Here I am at the park. This park I kissed a girl under fireworks sky. This park I held hands with a beautiful girl. This park I carried that girl on my back as we talked. This park I had my heart stolen in.

This park my parents were married in. This park has been through a lot with us. This park has sceen a lot of my good times and almost all my best lines.

This park is my park. And it's apart of me.

This is my story. I m sure there are many like mine in parks everywhere. This park, I sit and sip coffee in today, you are always gonna be my favorite park.

One love. One Stanely Park.

still hurts sometimes.

i still read your blog. i still check up on you. i m still searching

I want to know how things are going, but it hurts to call sometimes. i could text and ask a simple question: How are you miss? i could text: I miss you. i could really do anything.

I see your paints and your pictures. i see your room and the walls. i see your tv and what i m not watching. i see your hands and your bare feet. i see your jeans and cut up shirts. i see your face and your eyes. i see your heart and your smile.

all these things i see. i still see them in my brain, in a space reserved for you. Cause that place is the space i will have you still.

the thing that hurts the most is i m losing your voice. i cant hear it anymore. the sweet sounds of stories and the honesty in your laugh. what a tragic thing it will be once i lose those sounds.

so i reserve myself to drinking coffee. and the best thing i can do is sit here and think of you. but even that, it still hurts sometimes.

The Night Life-The life and times of Jonas Faust.

I'll never forget the first time I met Jonas Faust. It was 1 AM in the back ally of some packed bar downtown. I thought I was a king that night, drinking as much as I could and trying to get with any girl that would let me close. Needless to say, I achieved the drinking part, but those girls knew better.

I could feel my insides quitting on me. My stomach was ready for evacuation. While I, on the other hand, did my very best to disagree with my biology. Also another failure. I pushed and shoved my way through the bro dudes to get to an open toilet only to find, to my dismay, a full house of goosed up jocks. I made the quickest U-turn in my entire life, there was no way I was going to spill my guts all over this floor. Save some dignity my boy! What will they think of you! I bolted for the back door.

Like a flash of lighting with a purpose, I kicked that door open to find the empty ally. My first thought was "Dude, didn't someone just get shot back here last-" Vomit flew from my body onto pavement. No, No, here will do just fine. Shootings or no Shootings, nothing was stopping this event. That all to familiar sound of Wetchunckyawful splashing to the ground. As of late, I was getting used to this. Drinking until my body said "Ok sir, that will do." I suppose I didnt mind, I was young. And young people were doing such things.

For what seemed like forever, the wave crashed. Nothing left. I was shaking. My eyes most likely blood red from popped blood vessels. I dropped down to a knee, defeated. Thats when I heard it. That sly chuckle. Not really a laugh, but not much of anything else. I turned and he was There. A slim man, looking about my age. I could see by street light he had slight stubble and was dressed with an untucked button up shirt and slim tie. Next to him was a amazing looking Co-Ed.

I thought to myself, fuckingwonderfulman. You've made a total ass out of yourself infront of a complete stranger and he is getting a good laugh out of you. What happened next I did not expect. The slim man chuckled again and said "chicken alfredo? been there before. tastes better the first time man." Not knowing how to respond, I just shook my head. Still in shame. The slim man bent down next to me and started in. "Your first mistake was too many shots boyo, stick to what you know. You can't be pro being kamafuckinkzi with that shit."

My pride was hurt. and who the hell was this guy? He motions for the girl to go back inside and tells her something I could not here. Wispering softly into her ear and small kiss on her cheek, leaving just myself and this stranger. Thoughts are going through my pounding head: is this guy gonna mug me? what the hell is going on?

The slim man tells me that he was about to seal the deal with his lady friend when my dumb ass burst through the door. He wasnt mad though. He had seen me during the night, doing shots and buying drinks. Telling me how if i were to keep this shit up, i was gonna burn a hole in my pocket and that will not do. "There is a way of doing things boyo, and I'm gonna show ya."

That sly laugh came again, he helped me up off the ground and brushed me off. We made for the door and I told him the bar was closing, why are we going back in?

"Your education in the Night Life starts to night boyo."

As the door closes behind us I ask him who he is. "The names Jonas Faust, and I'm gonna be your best fuckin friend."

If I had known then, what I know now. Everything that happend that year. All those mistakes and good times I wish I could remember. If I had just stayed home that night and slept, and never ended up in that back ally....

I would never have know the Night life. Or Jonas. Or anything for that matter. I guess fate has a funny way of showing up. My moment was on one knee in a back ally puking my guts out.

These things happen....

A Strange Dream

Strange as it may seem, here we are. Watching TV on the couch, some nameless distraction nothing really worth our attention. My head in your lap, I'm half asleep. You, of all people, there with a smile on your face.

Some of the words escape me now, but I do remember the good parts. Asking why you smile so, your reply is something silly and off color:no doubt a joke used on my expense. You run your fingers through my hair and scratch my beard. I gently rub your skinny arm.

Strange, this scene of peace and happiness. This tender moment. Because you are not mine, and I am not yours. If this wasn't a dream, we would be in deep trouble if anyone were to find out.

But it is a dream. And some of the best things are dreams. Remembering this one as I do now, I wonder to myself:where the hell did that come from? As I often ask do when I wake up. But I guess I'll reserve this dream to memory. Only in my dream will we be.

Only in dreams.

Concerning Remembering

7 years ago this morning, my mother died. I can replay the events of that morning again and again as if it was happening right in front of me.

It's a strange thing, in retrospect, I didn't cry. I don't think I have ever since then to be totally honest. I could never figure myself out enough to understand why I didn't. Shock? Denial? Who's to say? But it always bothered me, even now.

To say I don't think about what could have been would be lying. It's not often, but it crosses my mind from time to time of what she would think. I don't really remember her other than from when she got sick to that morning. The IVs, the feeding tubes, the medication, the whole damn mess of it. I would like to have one clear memory about the person she was, but that's something I won't ever have.

How would she take all these silly tattoos? my crazy ideas? all the things that i'v done? The one piece of clarity I have I suppose is that I m doing the things I want and what I feel is right, and if it were me: I wouldn't mind they way i'v turned out.

Out of all this business, I know in my heart I'm true to myself and I m making my own way, and I hope that will be enough. I don't seek her approval, cause that's something I will never have, but it enough to think i have it.

I don't write this for sympathy. I don't ask anything of anyone who reads it, other than say I love you to the ones you do. Let them know, that way they will always know you do.

One for me

But you can't leave she screamed; Not now, not ever. But I am I tell her, I'm getting out of here while I still can. Before I get to old to be useful anywhere else, before I get too old to work up my nerve. Before my dreams pass me by.

The irony of this whole situation I'm in right now is that these rolls where reversed but only a few months ago. It was me pleading and begging her to stay. Hoping I would have just a few more moments with her. But now, well that isn't the case.

I tell her that I've been here far too long. Done all the things I want to do in this place. I tell her, if I put down roots here in this place, I'm quite sure I will wither away to nothing. And there certainly is not a damn thing she, or anybody for that matter, can do to stop me.

This isn't fair, your heartless. Your the worst human being, I can't believe your doing this to me. She's throwing the most hurtful things now, pulling no punches. I know I only make things worse when I start to laugh. I ask her if I could only have a minute to say what I came here to say, then she can scream and cry and do whatever as much as her little heart wants.

I think to myself, It must seem shameful and awful of me, being as cold as i am. Maybe I am heartless now. But if I go back to how I was months ago, I'll never be able to leave here. Never live dreams and become crushed.

This isn't a story about mending fences. This isn't a story about sorrys and goodbyes. It's a story about the end of the beginning. A story about once chance, the last chance, to be completely honest with yourself. To be brutaly honest with everyone you've ever know.

This is your life story, and your the only one to blame for the plot. The only one to blame for how it's all gonna end.

So, in my new found sense of honesty, I'll tell her how it was and how it's gonna be......

Late Night Calls

Your iPhone is going off in the middle of the night. It could be any number of things: someones been arrested, someones in the hospital, someones wrestled a bear and...... These things happen on phone calls from friends.

These are the calls too priceless to ignore. The ones you know you have to answer. Cause if you don't, you may regret it forever.

I recall recently my phone ringing very early one morning (or extremely late one night). I, asleep: dead to the world, not to be bothered under penelty of death, do not pass go, that sort of sleep. I roll over to see who is ringing me at this unholy hour. And come to find, someone I had not heard from in some time. Knowing this girl and her pention for making a mess of things, I was inclinded to answer and was already to bounce out of bed if the need should arise.

The voice on the other end was quite and soft. She seemed tired, as if I had called her and woke her up. I asked if everything was alright, to which she replied: no, not really, but that's not the point. Before I could ask what was wrong she cut me off. "I'm calling you now because I just had a dream, it seemed so real. You and I were driving in my car singing songs and I was laughing at your silly jokes. It was so real to me. But when I woke up; you weren't here with me. And that make me very sad."

I, dumbfounded on my end of the phone line could only muster one sound: oh. She then told me that she misses me something horrible. And she called me only so she could here my voice, and to hear a few silly jokes.

After what turned into hours, we said our goodnights and goodbyes. Knowing both well enough the plans we made probably won't come around, but the thought of being together was enough.

It's calls like those that make me feel alive. Knowing that, sometimes waking up all alone is more unerving than any nightmare. But a call to a friend can be a remedy, if only a brief one. So next time, dont ignore that phone call at 330 in the morning. It might be the most important call you'll ever have.

What we are?

I am Everything all the time. I am Nothing all the time.

I am Me. I am you. I am Somebody and i am nobody.

I am Here. I am There. I am Everywhere and I am nowhere.

I am Blind. I am Observant. I am Ethical and I am aesthetic

In the end, I am all these things, And I am none of these things.

Philosophy has made my brain turn upside down. I am quite sure it is the best thing that has found me.

One For Amanda

Amanda The last time I saw Amanda seems like forever ago now. I'm quite sure I made myself look like a fool then, seein as though I was more concerned about my drink in hand then paying attention to my words. Had I know then that she'd be leaving a few weeks later, I would thrown caution to the wind and told her straight up how things were.

From her smile to her little laugh, you can't help but feel a bit warmer in side when she's around. Any fool who would let this one go would be haunted by that mistake for a long time. She seemed as though she was a piece of summer that night;right there in the middle of the room.

I think to myself, if she knows just how beautiful she is? From the top of her head down to here feets. I wonder if anyones told her such things. For now, I'll wonder. Seein as she's a thousand miles away and the best I can do is send texts at the middle of the night. But you know what they say about Amanda and those crazy boys she finds. Well, unfortunetly for this crazy boy, he'll have to wait to let know how beautiful this Amanda is.