Hold. Fast. Hope.

If I was asked which band has changed my life the most, I think most everyone would say thats obvious dude, its weezer.

they'd be wrong.

Weezer is my all time favorite. Those boys have gotten me through some tough spots and always cheer me up cause they are a bunch of silly nerds who like to have fun like me.

However, Thrice would be the correct answer to that question. No other band has influenced me like them. Putting into words how much this band and their music makes me feel is damn near impossible. Every single song speaks to me on a cellular level, a piece of my soul in every riff and beat. I remember hearing identity crisis for the first time when I was a freshman in high school, and I was hooked. The artist in the ambulance, Vheissu, The alchemy index, and beggers, each and every record different in its own way. Choosing one to say its the best can't be done. Vheissu though, is one of the greatest works of art in human history. The things going on on that CD blow my mind. Its one of the few CDs I can listen to once, play it again and again and again. I m pretty sure that I listened to it at work a totally of 5 times one day. Its so beautiful and powerful, the last track red sky brings me to tears almost every time i hear it. Saying that out loud makes me feel like a sap but its true. Actually, Red sky and Silver wings make me cry when I hear them, just out of the sheer beauty of the sound. No other band or song has done that to me. No other band has made me feel, like really feel something with the music they play. It moves me so much.

The tattoo I have planned for them is probably to most important one I ll have for a long time. Sure, I m gonna get more tattoos, but none as important as that, and maybe after. The only other ones that will be more so will probably my kids names when I have them. The song melting point of wax is pretty much how my view on life is. "But how will i know limits from lies if i never try?" The song is about Icarus and how he flew to close to the sun. "I will touch the sun or I will die trying." There it is, all in one line, how I live. Going threw life, living it to the fullest and trying my hardest and best. Like I said, I can't explain how this makes me feel. I finally figured out how I want to have it done, and once its done, part of me will finally feel complete.

I have so much emotion for this post I m not sure how I want to end it. so i ll let the words that speak to me do the job. "will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through? I will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do."

Everything I do in between is just filler.

Do we judge a man by his success? Or should we look at how he failed? Human history has showed that when a person is pushed to their breaking point or thrown into a situation that demands a tough choice, extraordinary things will happen. The endings to these moments aren't always the ones we'd like though. Oh low! how many times have we felt like giving up? Say out load that "your done!" So through with everything that you barley muster the strength to shudder.

In that instance, when we fail, thats where it should be seen how a person stands. The world has just come down around you, and you have to find a way to pick yourself up again. That, my friends, is success. Do we stay defeated and just let what happens have the last word? I could never let things be that way.

So here I stand. Not in failure nor success. On the scale of my personal achievements, I v had plenty of both to go around for certain. I v always been so sure about the things I believe and want for what seems like forever. Lately though, I v only been sure of one thing

I am certainly certain that I m certainly in love. So much so that when she ain't around I m quite miserable. I gauge time between the last time I was with her to the next time, everything I do in between is just filler. Never have I ever been so nose over tail for someone. It seems strange, to be so cold and alone for so long and suddenly to feel alive, a feeling I could totally get used to.

But I know one day, who knows when, she ll be gone away. I just know it. I m certainly certain that feeling of a hole in my chest will return. Will it be failure? Who's to say. All I know is that picking myself up after that one is gonna be hard. I m sure I will be able to. I just wish It didn't have to be that way. any other way but that way.

How will I be measured? Well that story hasn't been written yet. Succeed or Fail, this is the time of my life.

scatter brain

i v had my fair share of rotten things happen to me over the coarse of the past 24 years. naming them all would take up entirely too much of my time. each one a scar on my personality that will stay with me. an ugly, sad memory of an event that i d love to forget.

i suppose dwelling on them can bring me down. and i do dwell. but that's never stopped me from doing anything i said i would. all these negatives add up to one thing: experience. they aren't a crutch to lean on or a excuses to rely upon. where has feeling sorry for yourself ever gotten anyone besides in a worse spot then they were before?

you wont find the answer your looking for in the bottom of a pint glass, or in something you can sniff up your nose or stick in your arm.

i v always been a firm believer in action. why waste the time talking when you can be out there doing something to fix yourself? sure, this horrible thing happened to you, but how are you going to pick yourself up and deal with it? action!

don't get me wrong, i know this is hard if not impossible for some people. its understandable. there comes a point where you find out who you are when your dealing with loss or what have you. for me, the way i got through a lot was to say to myself "dude, you got a lot of people looking to you be strong." i don't ever want to let my friends or family down. So i keep picking up the pieces and doing my best to put them back together.

it goes without saying though that i don't have the power to help or save everyone. i m not superman, or batman even. i have trouble with me sometimes even. but all these things still have never changed the fact of I am still me. which i am proud of, there are days where i wanna curl up and wither away, but i don't. why would i do that? that's totally not fun at all.

i m not sure the point of this blog really, but i enjoyed typing it. I suppose that my love of life gets me through the shitty times. there's to much to see and people to share it with to be bummed over things you can't change. death is forever, sure, but we are still here.

lets make the most of it and have the best time we can. ever. period.

There are places on Earth were the people have never seen their breath. Places where they've never swam in ocean. Places where they've seen a snow flake. The universe is full of constance, and the one constant is that there will always be something new to see and experience. Watching the sun set from a beach in Rio. Watching a sun rise from a rooftop in Vegas. Dancing all night in Mexico City. Drinking coffee in a cafe in Prague. Going to a show in London's theater district. I feel like exploring. Like Columbus or Hudson. Take the time to experience as much as I can. I want to feel real. To tell them that I met a stranger in Berlin and talked over drinks. I want to make love in Rome. I want to make love everywhere for that matter. I d like to experience that. I want to feel alive. I want to be everywhere all the time.

Can I talk about sex again? just for a moment. I think about what it would be like to get with her. Oh what things we would do. That heat of the moment kind of sex where everywhere will do. Couch, bed, floor, walls, then back to the floor and back to bed. Crazy Passion. totally sweaty and completely exhausted. It would go on for hours if she would be up for it. Then to just lay there at the end. Out of breath and too weak to even speak. We wouldn't need words though, that story has been told already. What I wouldn't do to make that kind of love. I want to feel alive. I wanna be real. I'm certain that I could live 10 lifetimes in that single moment.

until then, I'll sit and write my stories. I 'll be real. I m alive.

nothing but my good intentions

Forever full of these one liners. These hand me downs you can use only if credit is given. So much to say, to who and what the stricken arise. say goodbye. My mind a shamble of sound and pictures, ambient noise and color that I can't make sense of. Some how the process of producing words finds time to get the job done. A surprise to me every time. As fast as my mind goes I only wish it would slow down. Just once while I sleep, instead of a mile a minute, a turtles pace would be paradise only for a moment. "You think too much." she told me. I strive to be different. Shut your mouth my good man! then things might be different! I would settle for a mile an hour at this point. Anything. Anything to keep her around. Let me touch, hold, hang on for just a few extra seconds. And all at once, there it is. The storm in my mind dies. Silence. Calm. A single kiss and paradise achieved. Basic functions continue please:continue pumping blood, remember to breathe. You wanted these extra seconds my boy, a shame it would be to a drop dead now. Here it is, what you ve been looking for, what you ve been waiting for. Someone to calm you down. To say those words you long to hear, and stop the world from spinning. Eyes closed. Pictures and noise gone. Focused on this amazing woman. After this kiss breaks, I realized that I have found it. What they Talk about, in myths, in stories. But here she is, you found her. If every single emotion pertaining to the word happiness were balled up into one object and put in a container. That container would be me. Strange how it feels like exploding, I wouldn't be surprised if I did. My mind stays quite. For once, nothing else matters but this wonderful person in front of me.

What a wonderful place this would be if you were here. What a wonderful life to live if you were here with me.

"to dream a little dream" :)