I've Always aspired to do many things. Seems all I was ever good at was aspiring.
I never know what to call my writings. Is it Poetry? Are they moments of prose? essays maybe? who knows, who cares really. Call them all what you want. In the end, I'll call it therapy, and I will be thankful for that.
"She's just eccentric." that's just a nice way of saying she's a crazy bitch.
I'm slowly losing my mind, which I'm ok with. I'm just not sure how much more mind I have left to lose.
I wonder if the man in the moon gets hungry and lonely. Somedays I think me and the man in the moon w0uld get along just fine.
You aren't as cold and alone as you might think boyo. You've loved once, and that means your still alive. Things aren't as bad as you might think, cause being alive and loving is pretty sweet.
This bed is much too big. I share it with my oversized throw pillow and nightmares. one side always cold like the planet pluto, too far from the warmth of everything to be saved. I might be the sun in this bedroom solar system, but i wish i had a third planet to share it with.
I think this place is haunted. I d like to meet a ghost. I bet he or she would have a hell of story to tell. Maybe i could tell them it'll all be ok, things here are alright. Can i save someones life, even after their dead?
I could write six pages on billy the butcher. i could write 30 pages on darth vader. I can't write one about me.
Eveidently, I have a whole lot to say. I have pages and pages of these notes left about in my notebook. maybe someday i'll sort through them all. this one i found has been my favorite:
The names have been changed to protect identity. But you all know who you are.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
conflict
Today I thought of trimming the beard short. Its getting a little long in the fur (pun intended). Its difficult to stand and face down the world and say: I AM WHAT I AM! AND THATS ALL THAT I AM!
that might sound silly to most, but consider this: going against the norms of society has never been easy. Their are many out there who say to me "Dude, when you gonna shave that shit?" or "you look like fucking bum man."
Being original and real with yourself comes at a cost. We've all been in that place. Being the stereotype. Being the outcast. It never ends. The price we pay to be individuals weighs heavy.
I did not trim the barnacle. I chose to be existential. Never been one to compromise.
I wish not to be feared. I wish not to be liked by all. I wish not to center of attention. These things add up to nothing in the face of the one thing that's more important: Knowing I m me for me.
and no ladies, I wont shave it till i m ready to. so don't ask. :)
that might sound silly to most, but consider this: going against the norms of society has never been easy. Their are many out there who say to me "Dude, when you gonna shave that shit?" or "you look like fucking bum man."
Being original and real with yourself comes at a cost. We've all been in that place. Being the stereotype. Being the outcast. It never ends. The price we pay to be individuals weighs heavy.
I did not trim the barnacle. I chose to be existential. Never been one to compromise.
I wish not to be feared. I wish not to be liked by all. I wish not to center of attention. These things add up to nothing in the face of the one thing that's more important: Knowing I m me for me.
and no ladies, I wont shave it till i m ready to. so don't ask. :)
to her own reflection
my bones crack and become frail. My blood is as thick as oil. My arteries and veins collapsed a long time ago.
My brain still sparks and thinks. My lungs still take in the stale air of this town. The eyes take in the pictures and proceed to document.
Half-dead or half alive? one cannot be both. Forever torn apart, between the daylight and the dark. The struggle between optimism and negativity still rages.
one cannot be both. rinse and repeat.
you meet people who you can tell right away what type of person they are. half and half either way. i recently met a person who seemed quite genuine and real. but i forever will be a horrible judge of character. Maybe its because i m a serious guy with serious passions. and as of late i'v been associating with a faulty sort. it takes real courage to be honest, but she could never be.
we all walk a fine line between the liar and the friend. tread carefully on me friends, for i am frail and in need of fixing.
My brain still sparks and thinks. My lungs still take in the stale air of this town. The eyes take in the pictures and proceed to document.
Half-dead or half alive? one cannot be both. Forever torn apart, between the daylight and the dark. The struggle between optimism and negativity still rages.
one cannot be both. rinse and repeat.
you meet people who you can tell right away what type of person they are. half and half either way. i recently met a person who seemed quite genuine and real. but i forever will be a horrible judge of character. Maybe its because i m a serious guy with serious passions. and as of late i'v been associating with a faulty sort. it takes real courage to be honest, but she could never be.
we all walk a fine line between the liar and the friend. tread carefully on me friends, for i am frail and in need of fixing.
Monday, April 26, 2010
a few evenings past, my heart skipped a beat.
I had it all planned out. Just go out for a while my good man, nothing crazy. See some friends, go to the show, shake some hands and have a drink. And before too long, I'd be back home in bed. At a sound hour. Nothing crazy.
But how did the plan change. I swear it wasn't all my fault entirely.
It all started at the show. It all started when we were introduced. I started taking in the details. Her boots. Her clothes. Her hair and how it looked. Her sweet freckles. Her eyes. Her Smile.
I knew right there and then I would not be going home at a sound hour this night. I needed to get know this person. She seemed so intriguing. I had to take the chance and the lack of rest just to find out as much as I could about this beautiful girl, before she was gone.
We talked briefly, too briefly for my liking. Sharing ideas of dreams and activities. Futures in different places, one a rainy artsy place and another a warm sun soaked paradise. Discussing picture taking and the different things we were into at the time.
By the time the after party was wrapping up, everyone was fading fast. So we said our goodbyes and I took my leave of the party. I took the longer drive back home. To get my head strait and watch the sun rise. I didn't have to wait long. I had lost all track of time, Instead of being home early and sleeping the night away, I stayed up all night. I pulled into my drive way just in time to see the sun coming up over the east mountain.
I closed the shades in my room. Rolled back the covers and crawled into bed. As I started to drift, the details all came back to me. I always remember the details. I doubt I'll ever see this girl ever again, but I m glad she was the reason I didn't stick to the plan.
so you see, it wasn't entirely my fault. But I suppose I'll shoulder the blame. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to not stick to the plan.
Cause its always good to see the sun come up.
But how did the plan change. I swear it wasn't all my fault entirely.
It all started at the show. It all started when we were introduced. I started taking in the details. Her boots. Her clothes. Her hair and how it looked. Her sweet freckles. Her eyes. Her Smile.
I knew right there and then I would not be going home at a sound hour this night. I needed to get know this person. She seemed so intriguing. I had to take the chance and the lack of rest just to find out as much as I could about this beautiful girl, before she was gone.
We talked briefly, too briefly for my liking. Sharing ideas of dreams and activities. Futures in different places, one a rainy artsy place and another a warm sun soaked paradise. Discussing picture taking and the different things we were into at the time.
By the time the after party was wrapping up, everyone was fading fast. So we said our goodbyes and I took my leave of the party. I took the longer drive back home. To get my head strait and watch the sun rise. I didn't have to wait long. I had lost all track of time, Instead of being home early and sleeping the night away, I stayed up all night. I pulled into my drive way just in time to see the sun coming up over the east mountain.
I closed the shades in my room. Rolled back the covers and crawled into bed. As I started to drift, the details all came back to me. I always remember the details. I doubt I'll ever see this girl ever again, but I m glad she was the reason I didn't stick to the plan.
so you see, it wasn't entirely my fault. But I suppose I'll shoulder the blame. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to not stick to the plan.
Cause its always good to see the sun come up.
circa october 08 again
seems as though i v lost track, my way is wronged. up is down, outside in
mistakes made, problems solved. i really cant explain this, just know.
i might be lost, i might be wrong, i might be far. but not so far, not so fast.
i ll be back, back home here. i ll catch you when you fall and take you home.
cause i v beat this thing inside me
this is the first time, not the last.
better than this.better then before
a million bucks wouldn't buy my smile
the world you can keep as long as i m in it with you.
mistakes made, problems solved. i really cant explain this, just know.
i might be lost, i might be wrong, i might be far. but not so far, not so fast.
i ll be back, back home here. i ll catch you when you fall and take you home.
cause i v beat this thing inside me
this is the first time, not the last.
better than this.better then before
a million bucks wouldn't buy my smile
the world you can keep as long as i m in it with you.
written october 2008
Her love was that fast song, But my temp was a tad bit slower.
I can do without the breakdowns for once and make it all a bit smoother. all a bit softer for once.
Taking our time and getting lost in sounds.
A chorus and a hook i m hoping she won't forget all to soon.
Because I'm no echo. I'm the here and now. I'm what you need.
I can do without the breakdowns for once and make it all a bit smoother. all a bit softer for once.
Taking our time and getting lost in sounds.
A chorus and a hook i m hoping she won't forget all to soon.
Because I'm no echo. I'm the here and now. I'm what you need.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
conviction
More and more I hear from peers they wish they could accomplish something they want. Some would like to try something new, others have high hopes and dreams that they talk about at great length. I have been told some of the most amazing ambitions. Lofty sights belonging to each one, very different but same conclusions.
After every great speech, however, comes the inevitable big B-U-T. They can't accomplish these things. Too much to do. Too much on their plates. These storytellers, these dreamers, defeated before the game even got started. Excuse after excuse after lengthy excuse rolls off their tongues. The dream is dead long before it ever had a chance to live.
Well I say that will not do. If you want something bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to achieve or hold that one thing. Strive, try, make goals, do what you need to do get what you deserve.
Once upon a time, I weighed 300lbs. I was unhappy and depressed about myself for such a long time. Then there came a day when I told myself wishing and hoping for something to happen will never make that thing happen for me. Long story short, I lost 140lbs and had to donate all of my old clothes.
Ever since that moment of realization, I'v applied it to all aspect of my life. I'v seen other countries, I'v been to the top of tall mountains. I'v been in many oceans, I'v conversed with people of all shapes and sizes. I can sure say out loud then I have done many great things and will do many more before I am done.
So If your looking for excuses as to why you never did or do the things you want, I'd take a look in the mirror. Cause at the end of it all, only you are to blame for holding yourself back. Only you can make a difference for you.
"we hold ourselves responsible" "we have no excuse"-Sartre
After every great speech, however, comes the inevitable big B-U-T. They can't accomplish these things. Too much to do. Too much on their plates. These storytellers, these dreamers, defeated before the game even got started. Excuse after excuse after lengthy excuse rolls off their tongues. The dream is dead long before it ever had a chance to live.
Well I say that will not do. If you want something bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to achieve or hold that one thing. Strive, try, make goals, do what you need to do get what you deserve.
Once upon a time, I weighed 300lbs. I was unhappy and depressed about myself for such a long time. Then there came a day when I told myself wishing and hoping for something to happen will never make that thing happen for me. Long story short, I lost 140lbs and had to donate all of my old clothes.
Ever since that moment of realization, I'v applied it to all aspect of my life. I'v seen other countries, I'v been to the top of tall mountains. I'v been in many oceans, I'v conversed with people of all shapes and sizes. I can sure say out loud then I have done many great things and will do many more before I am done.
So If your looking for excuses as to why you never did or do the things you want, I'd take a look in the mirror. Cause at the end of it all, only you are to blame for holding yourself back. Only you can make a difference for you.
"we hold ourselves responsible" "we have no excuse"-Sartre
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Whispers
Whisper me the things you need to say. All I want is to hear them. Your dreams your wants your needs. Just tell me...
Whisper what your thinking of. Speak to me about your day, speak to me anything really.
Just words. Just eyes. Just you. Just me. Just anything.
Tell me the things you want, cause I want to hear them. Tell me the things you need, and I'll bring them.
Just be here now.
Whisper what your thinking of. Speak to me about your day, speak to me anything really.
Just words. Just eyes. Just you. Just me. Just anything.
Tell me the things you want, cause I want to hear them. Tell me the things you need, and I'll bring them.
Just be here now.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Regarding sleeping troubles
This time I swear, I promise, I'll be good. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll actually believe it.
Have you ever just laid next to someone? Its the most comfortable uncomfortable place to be. Here you are, all cozy in your bed with this pretty little lady asleep next to you. Her back to your chest, you can feel her breathing softly. Your awake. Choking on hair that you continue to breath in. Your awake. Your right arm has long since lost feeling and all you have is the sinking feeling its about slip out of socket.
She's there, turning slightly. Digging in and getting a tad more comfortable. So warm and content. Here you are: without covers cause this little miss has decided to steal them. Your frozen and shaking. The pillow is long since gone, the debate to use your shirt for head support has been raging for about an hour now.
Why do we put ourselves through these things? Awake all night watching your partner sleep, tired all the way through the next day. Knowing your gonna have to pump coffee into your vains just keep your eyes open.
We allow all these things to happen. Because you know that at some point during that long night, she's gonna wake up and see you there. Her tired eyes open and a tiny smile comes across her sweet face. She turns and comes close and kisses you soft, nustling into your arms and falling back into dream land. All be it brief, all be it all worth it.
And with that, you get some covers back too. I ll brew a big pot of coffee for nights like these, and I'm not even mad about it
This time I swear, I promise, I'll be good.
PS: Don't ever let her know she snores a little bit, keep it a secret, they are better off not knowing.
Everything I say
Can we just stay here a minute. Can I just see if your really listening? I'm just tired. I hope you really don't mind.
My mouth moves and tells you the stories you ask to hear, but your not listening. I know your not, because I'v told you the same stories and you act like its brand new. Do you remember what I just told you? Do you remember anything I am?
I'm Just Tired
Your mouth moves and I'm reading lips and taking notes. I listen for the change in pitch and emphasis, to know which words your really mean. what your really feeling. I don't think you even notice that I'm listening intently.
There is two people in this car ride home, but its all a quite ride home for you.
Would it kill you just once to do the same for me? Just once I'd like to think I m not speaking to the air up there or the dirt down below.
I'm Just Tired
The beauty is in the details of everything, and your missing out on everything beautiful.
For now, I'll wait to see if your deaf ears decide to take notice. Until then, I'll be remember the details for you.
Rain
Rain That sweet smell of spring rain is back here. Seems like i should be used to it by now. Every year this happens. After being locked away in homes all winter, this warm rain is welcome.
How we all complain about the weather in new England. It's always been the running gag, one week it's seventy, the next, a foot of snow and below zero wind chill. I think it's what pisses a lot of people off. If can stand the heat, blah blah blah.
Well I know I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of being stuck in my house like a prisoner every winter. During those onslaughts of blizzard and ice we watch from frosted windows. We stare and remember green grass and trees with the leafs still attached. It surely will drive me mad if I stay here one more winter.
It's a strange thing to be said that on this gray gloomy day in march, with no sun and a consant patter of rain with a grey sky backdrop, that I feel more alive today than any day in the past six months.
How we all complain about the weather in new England. It's always been the running gag, one week it's seventy, the next, a foot of snow and below zero wind chill. I think it's what pisses a lot of people off. If can stand the heat, blah blah blah.
Well I know I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of being stuck in my house like a prisoner every winter. During those onslaughts of blizzard and ice we watch from frosted windows. We stare and remember green grass and trees with the leafs still attached. It surely will drive me mad if I stay here one more winter.
It's a strange thing to be said that on this gray gloomy day in march, with no sun and a consant patter of rain with a grey sky backdrop, that I feel more alive today than any day in the past six months.
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