The Dreamer and The Man

I am so scared. I m doing the things that I want to do. I'm making the choices I told myself I'd make. I'm being honest with myself for the first time since I can't remember when.

I am all these things, and it scares the shit out of me.

Always told myself that if I wasn't doing the things that I loved, then I really wasn't living. The other morning, I started to build studio space in my basement.

Cleaning up old pieces of memories that have been discarded to the underground. Broken glass, old army men, clothes long since forgotten. Things that were important once, but now nothing more than afterthoughts to growing up.

It smelled like old foot sweat and mold when I first started. But after a while, the old war room started to be presentable. The more I peeled back the cobwebs, the more I could see what I was building. Not just a place for art, but a step towards my future.

That's when I had to take a step back. What are you doing boy? You don't actually think being creative and silly and all of these wonderful things will actually get you through life?

That voice of doom and responseability echoing in my head. Now, now, think straight. Get a good job, do a good job. The rest will take care of itself. None of these silly dreams of whims and adventure. Settle in, it's a long life boy, and you gotta put your hours in.

I'm split down the middle. The Dreamer and The Man. Constantly at war with each other. The Man, is as empty as this basement. The Dreamer, full of hope like a forever summer. The Man always the winner, but not this day.

I might be scared. I might be unsure about a lot of things. But today, in this basement, this old house of horrors, I take a step. The Dreamer and me are making something out of nothing. And i'v never felt so right in my entire life.

So it's alright to be scared and nervous and unsure. Cause for me, my heart beats to the best beat there is: mine. Outside it might be cold and dark, but in here with me, Its bright and wonderful. Impossibilities are nothing more than road blocks in your head. And here in this underdark of a basement, The Dreamer finally gets one over on The Man.

Give me the freedom to be me, and I'll show you the world.

dear anywherebuthere, its Dana. i'll be seeing you soon.

i smoked weed to get inspiration, all i got was a bad appetite. i drank booze to have a good time, all i had was a bunch of bad choices.

24 years here, 24 there. how long does it take for a person to figure out what they want? how long does it take for me to man up and do what i want?

its been long enough.

The Mill

All I hear is talk. This and that. So and So and what So and so was doing. I get caught up in the drama monster.

It's a sad fucking state of affairs when this is what consumes us daily, from waking moment to eyelids crashing, all I ever hear is the amount of shit people are talking. It's enough for you turn off everything just long enough to not have to listen to the garbage that comes through the texts, the calls, the comments, and the messages. Long enough to stop pulling your hair out, long enough to focus on something productive, long enough for a good nights sleep.

I'll never understand a persons need to put someone else down. Making yourself a "bigger and better" boy or girl at the expense of another. If people put in as many hours into doing something thoughtful or something beautiful as they do at the rumor mill, I'd be willing to put my last shiny american dollar down you'd be having a better time. Period.

Think me a man or monster or whatever, I really don't care. I know I'v pissed off my fair share. Going through life trying please everyone is only gonna get you nowhere. There will always be someone out there who thinks you a piece of dirt, just how the story goes comrades. Your better of believing everything you heard is true anyway, it makes for the real truths that much more surprising.

I suppose the point I'm getting at is just that. Friends be friends, problems be resolved and water be under built bridges. Carrying on and harboring ill will over trivial nonsense makes for a much more depressing life. All easier typed then done surely, but take a second to look at what your doing. I wish people would get as excited over being positive to someone else than when talking the proverbial smack behind their backs.

But that's just not how it goes. Allow me to apologize in closing to anybody I'v ever hurt. Continue on with the stories, both true and fake alike. As you were.

As we all were