may i be struck down

i see how people get when the get older. things become cheap and trivial.

may i be struck down if i become cheap and trivial.

blessed be my naive brain, but i don't see me becoming old in the way most people get old. i still want to sing my partner to sleep. i still want to go and pick apples in the fall. i want to read all the books i v never read. i want to skate till i m gray in mane. i ll swim in every ocean. i ll continue to listen to the dorky music i v always listened to. i ll make breakfast in bed till i m blue in the face.

may i be struck down if i live in any regrets.

may i never say:

"we did not do the things we wanted to do; we never did such things"

Deep down, It’s getting hard to breathe now. I'm reaching out to touch you, but i can feel at all.

i live life street light to street light. 100 feet at the speed of light. taking this tar where i wanna go. my rubber tires harmonize. my engine screams and rolls.

nights like these are familiar. i v been here once or twice before. summer spent on the mass pike. paradise in transit. my tan more moon light than sun soak.

the soft sounds of a sleeper next to me. shotgun is out for the night. i turn the radio down as to not disturb.

memories now. not the present, but a past visit to paradise i wont get back.

driving now, the moon is cold. the night is brisk. the road is dark. i fight the urge to dream. no need to dream these days. the dreams keep you awake.

i lane change to the future. do i take the exit close to home? or do i take the longer drive back home?

"And now the road is empty.

As every promise is.
If life is pointless then point taken, say amen.
So light another candle and point my body out to sea,
Because your heart is no place for a wretch like me.

Another stranger passing.
A common dissonance.
If life is pointless then point taken, say amen.
So light another candle and point my body out to sea,
Because your side is no place for a wretch like me.

When they unearth these passages,
Will I appear to be proud?
Not if you're listening close enough.
Not if you're sounding it out"

everything else i should be doing

i feel sick. for the first time in a long time i feel like i m getting sick. my throat is scratched. my stomach is uneasy queasy. if i were running, i d be running this fever. my muscles ache and scream. my eyes are heavy and my skin is void of pink.

instead of laying in bed and nursing myself to 110%, i m awake. i m working out. i m doing pull ups and downs. crunches and inclines.

i cough and weez(er). this sweat tells me that the fevers on again. take it easy son, lay it up just this once, your not that young man anymore.

never one to listen to reason.

new goals for the winter, wont slack. get threw the first frost to the spring thaw on top. if i put on 8 lbs of muscles i ll be where i want to be for spring. if i fill myself out and rid myself of all this excess horror, i might actually, for once, be pleased with my outward appearance.

don't let the sickness spread, get it out of my head. I ll be who i want to be before long.

i will do everything i say.

i have a million things to say to you, but you still take my breath away with everything you do. if i had it my way, all i d ask for my birthday and christmas and new years and kwanzaa and the british bank holiday and the mexican revolution would be You.

i ll be 24. i feel 17.

i guess i ll never completely grow up. and i m completely fine with that. Where's it gonna get you acting serious?

Who will keep me from lashing out?

Lately I have been going for late night bike rides. Going on a month now, I can't sleep properly. Clear my head. need to get things straight. Gone for hours at a time. I m not sleeping, might as well be doing something somewhere.

The new bridge in Westfield is lit up like a Christmas tree. So many new lights. Its strange how you can be around one area for your entire life and then suddenly, with the addition of something new and foreign, that place becomes alien. Like you ve never been there before. I find myself there most nights. Looking at the construction of progress building our future right before my eyes. Across from me, I see the old Green Bridge. Not so green, more rust and bird shit than anything. No Lights for you old one, pitch black and forgotten. You ll be gone Before winter. Another strange void of the unfamiliar left in your place. I wonder how long it will before this place becomes unrecognizable to me. A stranger in my own home town.

I should have brought my camera. I should be in bed sleeping. I should be a lot of places. I should be anywhere but on my bike in the middle of the god damn night looking at decrepit bridges.

I make my way back home. Things no more clear then when I left hours ago. Lock the bike up. Lock the door. shower and shave. teeth brushed, toe nails cut. Make your way to bed young man, sleep will rescue you. All I need is a few hours. Just 2 or 3 to make it through. But we know that won't happen. See the bed is empty. Not shared. A bed made for a King, but used by lonely lush.

I could hitchhike my way to a few different beds. all shared by different Queens. Find comfort for the night. Have my way and that would be the end. Cheap and unfair. Goodbye and Goodnight, tuck the Queen in and I m out the door. I m not sure if i feel sick, or If I just feel myself dying a little on the inside.

Makes me wonder what I am capable of. Could I be a King? or just be the Monster I think I m becoming. Ever since things changed, and my Queen moved back to her King, the stars don't shine so bright. The Sun seems a tad bit cooler. And I can't Sleep proper at night.

I wish I knew how to fix myself.

"believe that you are just fine. believe that you are."