Mama Pajama

Trees are alive with color but they are dying on the inside.

It was so cold you see your breath in the air, and it was amazing to just be back home.

Give me the cold and wet northeast, you can keep the rest. Give me cold autumns and real halloween. Give me apples and pumpkin carving. I'v seen what the rest of the country has to offer and believe me brother it ain't got anything on my home sweet home.

Small talk is for small minds. Let's not fake the obvious, you don't care about a thing I'v told you ever. Cause I know if you did, you wouldn't ask me the same questions over and over again about things I'v told you a million times before.

"It's Hard to eat shit, without having Visions."

Even Ghosts get home sick. Sometimes I'm sure they get tried of haunting.

More and more each day, we surround ourselves with the trivial. Where's it gonna get you being trivial?

If I said I'm sorry to every heart I ever broke, my voice would be lost till I had gone gray.

I had someone ask me why I do the things I do. The best response I could give him was life's for living.

I'm excited to grow old. I wanna see what happens next.

Damaged, aren't we all?

She walked through the door with tears in her eyes. I can tell right away things haven't changed since I left. Wondering to myself, what could it be that this sweet lady did to deserve all this madness?

Her relationship is in shambles. Her family situation is destroyed. She honestly has nothing left.

To say she is at her wits end would be the understatement of the decade. So torn up inside, how she keeps herself from falling apart is nothing short of a miracle. A steady intake of antidepressants and coffee keep her from falling over daily.

So strange to see someone as fucked up as you are, but for entirely different reasons. You know you've been through hell. Seen you're fair share of blood and guts and doom and gloom. But so has this sweet little lady.

I offer her no words of comfort. No words need be spoken right now. I give my shoulder and embrace. I want to whisper everything is going to be alright, but we both know its all bullshit.

I let her weep. For now this is all I can offer. It comes to me all at once standing there:

Damaged, aren't we all?

Radio Metal Days

I remember the days when I was in high school and I listened to stoner metal. I had dabbled in hardcore and punk but my jams were always radio metal and the like. My best friend Jimmy and I would always skip out on the last few periods and hop in his busted civic and hit the back roads.

CKY would be blasting through the speakers while we smoked weed out of apples or oranges or whatever we had stolen that would do the job. Hours would pass and we would laugh and sing our songs till it was time to skate. A few more hits and a few more riffs and our night was on.

It's mid fall. The leafs are in full color swing and the sky is an overcast gray. Me and Jimmy are already out the front door. The cool air smashes my skin and I zip my black hoodie up and we are off and running. Before we are even out of the parking lot, some nu metal band is playing on the CD player and I'm rolling a joint.

We drove forever that day. Nowhere in particular really. Seeing as how we were both broke and with no real need to be anyplace we decided that a tour of our small town would be good enough today. As we drove on and on we realized that the more we saw, the less we liked. Sometimes, when you have nothing better to do you start to see the dirty bits of the place you live. The bums that wander the streets. The lack of trees. The smell of everything. It really brought us down. I told my self on that fall afternoon that I'd get out of here. I won't be stuck going backwards in this place. I feel suffocated enough already. Once I have a means, I told Jimmy, I'm outta here. I knew he felt the same way I did and I knew then we would get outta here together.

As the years went by and my high school career ended, I'd did as much as I could to see the world. I went to England, went on tour with a band, took a few vacations. All of which I did before I decided it was time to leave. But now here I am. On the eve of making the biggest change and choice in my entire life, and all I can think about are those fall evenings listening to music and driving. When nothing mattered and talking about the future was like dreaming for real.

I stopped listening to radio metal years ago now. I stopped smoking weed. I started listening to different things. I started doing the things that made me happy. I also stopped hanging out with Jimmy. I see him every so often. Out at the bar or in pictures I see online. He hasn't stopped any of the things we did in high school. Which, of corse, is his deal. But it makes me sad to see him and not living the dreams we both talked about. I know once I leave, I may never see him again, but me and him had the times of our lives then. To a sound track of chuggy riffs and cheesy chorus lines. To a gray sky line and rainbow pallet of fallen leafs.

I wouldn't trade those days for anything.

Office Visits

I haven't seen a doctor in years. But I know exactly what he would tell me.

“Your going to die some day.”

I know Doc. There are a million different things out there trying to kill me: Cancer, blood parasites, Fire, Bees, Dogs, stray bullets, the list goes on.

I don't plan on getting sick like everyone else. I don't intend to get addicted to pain killers and treatments that make me question daily life.

I m okay with whatever happens to me doctor. You'll be seeing me at some point down the road I'm sure. But not today or tomorrow.

Life's for living, not for worry.

Cereal

I was thinking, maybe, you'd like to share a bowl of cereal with me? Just one bowl, or two. It's up to you really.

I know it sounds silly. I know it must sound completely ridiculous. But I know you share a love of cereal like I do, and seeing as how as I m just a broke writer and can't afford to take you to the places you wanna go right now, the best I can do is this big bowl of grain that we both love.

No matter what brand you like, even if its not my pomegranate blueberry, I'll go and get some right now.

Cause all I'v wanted was to share a bowl of cereal with you since the day we first met.

Heat and Madness

My feet are hanging off the bed again. The covers and sheets are askew, completely useless on a scorching night like tonight. It's long past midnight and it's still close to 90. I would trade this pillow and this box spring for a pool of water right now, anything cool and calm will do.

In between the tossing and turning, I lose all hope of rest. There's absolutely no chance of that tonight. The way sheets cling to any piece of exposed skin like a sort of weak glue hinders all form of comfort.

This heat wave has been relentless for the better part of two weeks now, and it shows no signs of letting up. I crawl out of bed to fetch a glass of water, juice, wine.... Anything that will cool me down! I beg for relief!

As I lumber about my room looking for something to cover myself with, I quit looking outright. I could careless at this point if anyone saw me in the bare, they would understand.

After retrieving a tall glass of water I find my way to the couch. In between surfing channels on late night TV, I nod off, truly exhausted. Thinking back now, I can't be sure if I was dreaming or if I was purely hallucinating from my heat delirium. Chasing a girl down a long hallway, she quickly turns to make sure I m keeping up with her.

I can hear Ambient sounds and music playing. The light is low in this forever hallway. Flashes of her face. She comes to a door and goes over the threshold. By the time I'm there, the door has closed and I m nervous about opening it. I reach for the knob only for the door to open before me.

Standing there she says, stay with me tonight. As she takes my hand, I turn to look back down the hall. I see nothing but the walls and I hear nothing but music I can't make out entirely. The light is weak, I can't see the end of the hall, it fades to black just a few feet beyond the threshold.

As the door closes and I hear is click, I wake up. Still couch bound. Still surrounded by heat. Confusion sets in as I reserve myself to analyzing my dream. What did it mean? What do they ever mean?

As I switch the TV off, the weather man is heard. "Another hot one out there for today, stay cool."

I m at my wits end weather man, I could use a break. So for my five day forecast, I respectfully request you make that dream happen. I don't ask much of you weather man, and you've always done well.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe we're all crazy. One thing is certain, it's only getting hotter, and it's only driving me closer to madness.

Goodbye August!

Goodbye August! Goodbye Summer sun!

Goodbye to the long nights full of stories and music played out underneath a full moon. Goodbye to another Indian Summer that creeps a little longer into the fall. Goodbye to the thoughtful bike rides across sweltering hill town back roads. Goodbye to the blazing sun sets that seemed to crash on the horizon for forever.

Goodbye August Goodbye!

I will miss you August. I will miss our long talks about nothing in particular spoken to no one reasonable. I will miss the times where we should have gone to bed early but stayed out a little too late for our own good. I will miss our mornings where we watched the sun rise over the eastern mountains. Cause you and I both know you haven't really seen the world till you've seen it when the sun first casts its shadows on the Earth.

Goodbye August, My dear friend August! I will see you again in a year, far too long for my liking but that is just the way of things. For now let us share a toast to us and the memories we made this time around. Before you know it we will be together again under a cloudless blue sky, were I will tell you all my new stories and you can just listen. Play your music of soft breezes carrying the songs of the crickets to me. In do time my friend, we will be together again.